How I Miss You Now
by donnaspecter
Summary: -She was sitting on that cold floor for almost an hour. Regretting the choices they made. She left a red rose there, like she did every time she came. And she turned around before opening the old doors on the way out, every time still turning around to make sure this was all actually true. - Darvey (Donna and Harvey) fanfic. Tragedy. I hope you enjoy. -A xxx


**Hey! So this was originally just a little "ficlet" I shared with my friends but I added a few paragraphs and decided to post it here for everyone who wants to read it.**

 **I feel like I should make a little disclaimer that this isn't my usual happy fic. I still hope you will read it and on some level enjoy it. xx**

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She was 44, maybe 45? She didn't know where the time went. On some level Donna couldn't even care less for her age, for the time she spent doing nothing or for any other number of things. She watched the streets pass as the taxi was bringing her to the place where she never thought she would have to visit him, her everything.

She walked herself over to the cemetery. The snow crisp under her boots, her nose red because of the cold and her hair all over the place as the wind was playing with it. She always found something positive in everything life threw at her along the way but coming here- for the past 4 years she really did try hard every single time to find that something positive. But she couldn't.

She removed the snow away from the stone, his name visible again _Harvey Specter, loving friend and the strongest fighter._ She felt her hands numb because of the cold snow and she couldn't think of any better way to sum up her feelings.

She sat down, the cold sending shivers down her spine but she didn't care. She came here every Sunday afternoon- and it could be rainy, stormy or in the middle of the coldest day of the year- she would always be here.

She talked about everything- her life, what was happening, how she was spending more and more time in the theatre, how she couldn't force herself to go back to the firm again, she talked about Mike and Rachels kids, about changes Jessica made since he…was gone, how she found her first grey hair and how she dreamt about him every night. But today it was different. Today she felt so hopeless and she couldn't help but be honest, so raw honest.

"You know.. the day they called me, to tell me how you didn't make it… I thought I would cry. But I didn't. I didn't even feel anything. It was like my feelings died with you. And I spent my days thinking about this, trying to find an explanation cause I don't know if you remember but- I am Donna and I am supposed to know everything. Then one day I realized that there was no way I was ever going to feel anything after you because you are my goddamn feelings. And I love you, god I love you so much, but I hate you even more for leaving me like that. For taking one last thing away from me. I feel nothing." She said, tears streaming down her cheeks, warming up her frosty skin.

She whipped them away. "I met someone. He is nice, okay…I guess. He reminds me of you, there is something about his smile that makes me calm. But I hate it. I want you to come back and shake me and say I shouldn't go. Say that the guy is not good enough for me and that you don't want to share me with anyone." She said, holding in another wave of tears. "Please." She cracked, a lump in her throat getting bigger with each second passing. "Just wake up Harvey." She basically screamed out.

"I know, you can´t. And we were too late." She said a few minutes later. "soo damn late." The wind kept messing her hair up, but it was warmer than before and she couldn't help but feel his presence in the wind. She felt his presence when she was falling asleep and felt a pressure on her cheeks, she felt his presence when fall leaves fell in front of her and when the Sun´s light was blinding her eyes and warming up her face in the summer. HE was there and she knew it. He was there in those rare moments that she came close to happiness.

"Every morning I wake up and before I open my eyes I always make the same wish- I wish this was just a nightmare from which I would wake up. I would get ready, grab a coffee on the way to the office and make fun of you when I get there. Maybe I would even stop being stupid one day and just kiss you, you know? Just say those words with which we screwed it all up and we would live happily ever after. Even if we would fight and break up every other day…it would still be a million times better than what this is. You were too late to that meeting, Ray was too fast with that car and I was too late, just too late." She talked again.

She was sitting on that cold floor for almost an hour. Regretting the choices they made. She left a red rose there, like she did every time she came. And she turned around before opening the old doors on the way out of the cemetery, every time still turning around to make sure this was all actually true. That he really was gone, that he really did leave her. They were galaxies apart. But the love was still there, it always was. And she couldn't help but think about how beautiful it will be to one day be on that side of the galaxy with him- she hated herself for having these thoughts, after all, she still had a beautiful life ahead of her. But she couldn't help but think that for the rest of her life she would always have the same question on the back of her mind- _what if I wasn't too late?_

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 _"_ _Don't let the moment pass. Don't let the people you love walk by you without letting them know how you feel about them. Because life slips by, and then its over." -Louis_

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 **I hope you liked this. Like I said it was a little different but I couldn't not post it. Maybe Donna and Harvey should read something like this to remind them that there really is not an infinite amount of time, no matter how big the love is;) Anyway… leave a review if you want to & I really am excited to read them!**

 **-A xxx**


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